The Amazing Alice, Public Relations C.R.A.P. Consultant

Hello, Hello all! I’ve missed you, my darlings. After the strike ended, I had to take a long vacation in the Caymans just to unwind, which is why I’ve been incommunicado for a bit.

Just kidding, that’s not true unless “in the Caymans” is a good word approximation of “cleaning my toilets.”

Anyway!

These happy clients could be YOU, PSD.

I’m here now to offer my vast experience and overwhelming credentials to the Pasco School District in their PR campaign aimed at “healing” the community after all this nasty business of the nasty strike. Just to be clear, I am assuming that “experience” means “stuff I’m thinking” and “credentials” means “Opinions”. I hear the job of a consultant pays pretty well, so I figure it’s worth a shot. Consider this my resume and feel free to contact my assistant to offer me a contractor’s slot in your payroll as soon as you’re done reading my outstanding plan. I swear my assistant is not imaginary.

PSD, you need a whole lot of C.R.A.P.

C.R.A.P. stands for Credibility, Rapport, Accountability and Personable Persona. Yes, I know that’s two letter Ps there in a row but I’m not changing the acronym. You don’t pay me enough.

Let's start out this presentation with the very first letter, Credibility

First, imagine this highly probable scenario playing out in the near future.

Pasco School District 1’s Q&As for Maytember 33rd:

Question: What color is the sky?

Answer: It is PSD’s belief that the sky is blue

After reading this on Facebook, instead of nodding their heads, most residents and employees would narrow their eyes, get up from their computers to check the color of the sky personally, and then wonder if they were seeing things when you were actually proven correct.

What do PSD and this woman have in common? Great hair?

Let’s face it, my darlings of PSD administration. The majority of the people of Pasco have a hard time believing everything you say right now. They actually have a hard time believing anything you say right now. Because of certain tendencies recently displayed in your Q&As, press releases and official policies, people have a hard time trusting you. Don’t get huffy about it, just accept it. You can't change what you don't admit, so for the sake of everyone please hear and understand that  you currently have a credibility score of negative twenty-five on a scale of one to ten. You have asked the city to suspend their disbelief for your narrative above and beyond Michael Bay Blockbuster level, but you have no entertaining robots to make up for it.

Optimus says,"If you cannot be credible, you must be made of metal and willing to punch Decepticons."

For this reason, and as part of the CRAP strategy I propose, I highly advise you as your highly paid adviser, to stop using phraseology such as “things like this just take time” and “have faith in us” and “that is slated to be worked on in the near future”. You don’t have enough C to make those phrases fly for now. Do not issue “answers” that do not answer questions, and do not make any assertions in your publications that don’t have cited references. Then provide the references.

Soon, Fitbit will be able to
track the number of Uptown
Funk parodies you've seen.

That’s the Don’ts. The billion dollar question then, is, how DO you rebuild your credibility and regain the trust of the community? DO EVERYTHING YOU SAY YOU WILL DO. I know, this is hard but trust me on this, it’s the only way to get the C back in your life. If you say you’re implementing a program on October 10th, do it on October 10th, don’t provide an excuse why it wasn’t done. If you say you’re looking into issues with the stickiness of the post-it notes at Livingston, do so and then prepare a report on adhesives and paper products of the Livingston Leopards. If you say you’re taking 10,000 steps each day as part of a district wide fitness program, take 10,001 steps and then submit your Fitbit report online where everyone can see it. Bottom line: DO IT and PROVE IT.

The second part of CRAP Model ®  is Rapport.

Rapport

Consultant in French is actually
"Moi More Monette"

This is a French word that means “awesome person with the sweet rhythms and rhymes,” but colloquially in English it means empathy, sympathy and connection. If you and I have rapport, we have things in common, you understand how I feel and I understand your feelings in a similar way. Just to be clear, you and I do not have rapport right now as I am a highly credible public relations consultant and you are a school district. But you still need rapport with your community.

That means you talk about the stuff you have in common and the concerns you’ve all got, the worries you all feel and the s’mores you all eat. One of the quickest ways to build rapport with your community, or with anyone really, is to acknowledge the validity of their feelings. Tempers have been running hot lately, and people often say things in anger that they regret later. However, just because something is said with passion or even anger doesn’t mean it’s not true. An experience presented with barely concealed fury isn’t invalid simply because of the emotional presentation. I can probably sound almost livid while reciting the capitals of each of of the United States but that doesn’t mean those cities don’t exist, it just means I have a real beef with geography.

Oh honey, it's okay that you're unhappy about your kids
having to go to school with rats. You're allowed to have mild
irritation for that one, actually!

So, saying something like “Your emotions are preventing us from communicating” or “I don’t share your concerns” is going to be a big no-no in the highly respected CRAP ® model. Another big oopsie would be only listening to or referencing the one person in the proverbial room who vocally does agree with you. Bros, if ninety-nine people in the room are upset and one person isn’t, it’s not your job to make us all listen to the one person, it’s your job as a top-notch rapport-building-kingpin to accept the sentiment of the other ninety-nine and let us know you feel us. You say “Yeah, man. If I was in your shoes, I think I’d be pretty cheesed, too.” This doesn’t mean you let mob-mentality rule the day, it just means you know it’s okay for people to have feelings and you let them know it’s okay, too. Since. You know. They’re people, not robots. ...unless they are robots….

The third part of CRAP Model ® for Peace and Public Happiness is Accountability

Despite many rumors to the contrary, Accountability is not a reference to the abilities of accountants. So what does accountability mean? Hey, I’m a highly paid friendship campaign manager, not a dictionary writer. So let’s find out what the dictionary does say.

noun

1. the state of being accountable, liable, or answerable.

So, accountability is being answerable and responsible for the stuff you’re supposed to do, no matter what venue it’s in. If you’re accountable for shining those pleather boots at the Spice Girls Tribute Band Review those platforms and heels better be glowing. Responsibility and accountability go hand in hand, you pretty much can’t be responsible if you’re not also accountable. CRAP ®© says they can pretty much be used interchangeably and since that’s the gold standard for today, we’re going with it.

So if someone says “I take responsibility” for something, people generally think that person is going to be accountable or answerable for that thing. If Tim the security guard says, “I take responsibility for turning off the alarms at the spatula museum before the place got robbed blind,” you wouldn’t be surprised to hear that Tim has resigned or been fired. Or assigned to the back room to think about what he’s done. No, Tim is fired. The country will feel this loss for years.

I personally think it’s awfully brave of Saundra Hill to publicly state that she takes responsibility for the lack of curriculum in Pasco. However, if she’s not also submitting herself as accountable for this, claiming responsibility is as empty as half the bags of cereal in my cupboard. They look like they’ve got a lot to them, but when you lift them up, it’s almost all air. Taking responsibility means nothing if there is no penalty for messing up. You are not responsible if there are no repercussions for dropping the ball. Coincidentally, mentioning you take responsibility for something and then blaming someone else for the problem in the very next breath is a no-no under the CRAP®© plan. Might be a no-no all over the place. I’ll have my copyright lawyers look into that one.

™CRAP®© says you must have accountability. So what should you do, PSD, if you want to be true to yourself and your consultant’s valuable (in a real, monetary sense) advice? Have real, measurable accountability. And do it top-down, so the janitorial staff doesn’t feel picked on. Picking on Janitors is not cool, this is not an eighties teen movie.

This man never failed to
provide curriculum for
public schools again. 

You don’t have to air everyone’s dirty laundry for the whole city to see. Let’s face it, some socks should never see the light of day. Simply make sure that if your peeps have publicly and royally let the souffle fall, they are not allowed to go on their merry way as though nothing has happened. I’m not suggesting specific penalties because I don’t think Pasco even has public stocks (but if I were to make a suggestion, I would suggest that stocks are always a good idea). I do suggest that seeing some kind of reprimand, either professional or financial, would go a long way to restoring public trust. I am a highly paid specialist so you can trust me on this.

Last but not least in the highly acclaimed, New York Times Bestselling ™CRAP ®© Model for restoring public trust is Personable Persona.

When I was a little Alice and my brothers, sisters and I broke Mama Alice’s prize vase by playing rugby on the piano, it was hard to decide who to send to her to let her know. Just kidding, it was totally easy, we sent little Jason. Jason was a 3 year old, angelic boy with large, heartrendingly beautiful brown eyes and a mop of unruly, curly black hair. He was like a not-creepy Precious Moments figurine. Looking at him would cause most adults to spontaneously put candy in his hands, even those who have not picked up candy in years. He had this indefinable quality that just made him easy to get along with. Easy to sympathize with. And easy to not kill. He had a Personable Persona.

And so, PSD administration, my highly respected and generous employers, I must advise you, as the totally credibly, completely qualified and worth-every-penny consultant/advisor/self-declared expert that I am, find yourself a little Jason to talk to the people for you. Truth be told, I believe you already have one on staff, besides myself, of course. Shall we examine our ranks?

Saundra Hill is an incredibly cunning and intelligent woman, but she lacks a certain softness that makes people want to agree with her. Glenda Cloud is a sweet Grandma-type but she doesn’t have that star quality you need. Sarah Thornton is probably too busy with legal stuff, Randy Nunamaker would inspire too much jealousy and Carla Lobos already has a night gig superheroing in Seattle. No, I’m not going to go through all Twenty-Four main Administrators you have on tap because we all know it’s not necessary.

Jack was powerful...

Michelle Whitney, Pasco School District’s Superintendent-in-waiting, would be my first choice. Should be yours, too. I mean, have you seen her hair? Studio 1 out in Kennewick might be expensive, but they do some FINE work. Clearly the exquisite taste was already there, though. This is a woman with a fashion sense and poise the likes of which I’ve not seen since Twiggy. And that’s not all, my friends. Teachers like her. Students like her. Small animals like her. My 70 year old next-door neighbor likes her and he hasn’t had a K-12 aged student for a quarter-century. Yet for some unfathomable reason, she never really steps out into the limelight of our hearts.

...but I'd rather talk with Rita.

With the big P in the ™CRAP ®© (patent pending) Model, you do NOT hide your glittering starlet behind the wall when the press is around. Don’t leave your on-air “statements” to other “official spokespeople” when you have a Camera Ready Face the likes of which we’ve yet to see in the public education system right here. You don’t leave others to make comments and answers questions when you have this up and coming diva card already in your hand. People like this woman so much, it makes me wonder if she’s either casting spells with her pumps or is some type of sociopath/siren. 

I suppose, PSD, you might be saving your big guns for a rainy day but I gotta tell you, from a PR standpoint, it’s Hurricane season right now. Bring the lady out, already. Let her speak to the people, let her answer the press’s questions, let her coffee and croissant with the parents. If you plan on making good on a “healing” campaign, you need a Personable Persona that is far more likable that what you’re utilizing right now.  

Well, Pasco School District, I hope you’ve enjoyed this brief foray into my ™CRAP ®© (patent pending) Model, soon to be a major motion picture. I will expect a phone call from your fiscal service department setting me up as a consultant some time in the next twenty-four hours. I keep normal banking hours, so please no calls after 5 p.m. or texts after 6.

*             *              *

Alice in Pascoland!

As a final, exciting announcement, I’ve just learned that Universal Studios has just signed Amber Heard to play me in the official motion picture of the ™CRAP ®© (patent pending) Model! Additionally, Chris Hemsworth, Justin Clynes and and Chris Pine have all submitted head-shots and are currently auditioning for the coveted role of Randy Nunamaker.